amateur musician

Paul Neilson parties hard on Beta blockers because the show must go on.

I am a keen adult amateur musician and consider myself competent at playing the guitar and the piano. I have always loved music and since I was a child I have dreamed of being a professional in a band playing to packed houses everywhere. The irony of my dream is not lost on me because I carry what I have learned to think of as a cruel and terrible burden. I suffer from performance nerves, stage fright if you prefer. Now, I have spent a lot of time and energy researching and reading about my condition, I have experienced it for some thirty odd years so let me immediately disarm you of any preconceived notions you may hold such as ‘it’s the same for everybody, you’ve just got to get on with it’ or (my personal favourite) ‘you need the nerves to enhance the performance, nerves are your friend!’

Nerves are my enemy I assure you.

Let me put this into perspective because I’m not talking about playing in a theatre or a village hall or even a pub. My nerves kick in when playing for anybody other than my immediate family or my piano teacher (the latter took a couple of months before I was really comfortable). The thought of friends and acquaintances asking me to play my own piano in my own house fills me with dread. The reason for this is so amazingly stupid, so painfully irrational it is almost beyond belief. I live in fear of the fear. I live in fear of the fear because when the fear strikes I can no longer play. On the way to the piano I can feel the panic begin. By the time I’ve played the first few bars I begin to shake. Thinking about what I’m playing becomes impossible, simply breathing takes all my energy and all the while there is the sole destroying idea that I must look like a complete idiot!

Although I talk of fear I am not a coward. On the contrary, I’m quite brave (or possibly mad). I confront my handicap at every opportunity. As an adult pianist I have passed ABRSM grades 5 and 6. I took every conceivable precaution to avoid freaking out in the examination. I was well prepared, I imagined my examiner naked (not pretty) and I played reasonably well so my examiner noted. I don’t remember. I was on automatic pilot the whole time. I developed a nasty stress spot on my cheek and I can honestly say I hated the whole ordeal. But I had to do it. I want to be able to do it, to do it well, and enjoy it.

It was during a routine visit to my local GP that I happened to mention how my greatest love was constantly compromised by my phobia that my Doctor introduced me to my salvation. Beta blockers. Propranolol, was the first successfully developed Beta blocker invented in the late fifties by Sir James Black. It revolutionised the medical management of Angina. Beta blockers block the action of adrenaline on the sympathetic nervous system which mediates the bodies ‘fight or flight’ response. It didn’t take long for professional performers, particularly musicians to understand that the physiological symptoms of the fight/flight response associated with performance anxiety and panic (pounding heart, cold/clammy hands, increased respiration, sweating, etc.) are significantly reduced by Propranolol, thus enabling anxious individuals to concentrate on the task at hand.

Needless to say, Propranolol has changed my life. I simply have a box in the kitchen and whenever I anticipate a performance I take a pill about an hour before. The sensation is a little unusual because Beta blockers don’t make the fear go away directly, you still feel like you are going to panic, it just never happens. They don’t make you drowsy or relax you in anyway so there’s no negative impact on your playing. At first, I found myself doubting their effectiveness and I would deliberately try to create a situation where I would ordinarily freak out, like playing one of the pianos in my local instrument store when other people were about (I did say I was quite possibly mad didn’t I?). The panic never came. Well, once you know there’s no panic it follows that you don’t fear the fear as the fear can no longer exist. This must read like a Stephen King novel. So effective are Beta blockers that for some, just knowing they have a packet on stand-by is enough to control their nerves

Sir James was awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1988 for discovering Propranolol. It is considered to be one of the most important contributions to clinical medicine and pharmacology of the 20th century. It’s certainly a fantastic life line for any musician hindered by performance nerves.

Paul Neilson

January 2008